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Aperture Robot Repair – HTC Vive


[Lever Switching] [Announcer] Hello Repair Associate and welcome to the Robot Rehabilitation and Wellness Center. Our records indicate that you are the inaugural participant in our Human Diversity Outreach Program. You are holding Dual Aperture Science Prosthetic Multi-Tools. Please charge them in the Multi-Tool Charging Station. Charge your Multi-Tools at the charging- Good. Now press the button on the Multi-Tool. Good. Your Multi-Tools have been fully irradiated. Please remove your radiation suit at this time [Buzzer Sounds] No suit detected. Good. There is a cabinet of drawers in your Repair Station. Please locate it, and open a drawer. [Drawer Handle Creaks] Good. Now close the drawer, and open the correct drawer. [Drawer Squeaks] Locate and open the correct drawer. [Drawer Handle Squeaks] Good. You have now practiced on two incorrect drawers. Please open the correct drawer. [Drawer Squeaking] [Handle Squeaking] Good. As explained in your orientation, you should, of course, never look directly into the drawer. [Buzzer Sounds] Room sensors indicate you are currently looking directly into the drawer. You have just interfered with an Aperture Science Pocket Universe Cabinet. You are now their god. Close the drawer to initiate Contaminated Pocket Universe Contingency Protocol. [Tiny Screaming] Good. Contaminated Pocket Universe incinerated. [
Flames igniting alongside screaming] Opening drawers has been removed from your list of responsibilities. Please locate the Service Bay Door Lever and pull it. [Tiny Grunting] Please locate and pull the lever. Now serving: One. [Mechanical Noises as Doors open] [Sparking alongside Mechanical Whirring with Heavy Footsteps] [Beep alongside Heavy Sparking] As you can see from this schematic hologram, all Aperture Brand Robots can be repaired by anyone with even a rudimentary understanding of advanced Electro-Mechanical Engineering. To begin repairing this unit, attach your Multi-Tool to its face-plate and pull as forcefully as possible. You may hear what sounds to a human like mechanical screaming. But rest assured, while robots feel pain, they cannot express it. [Mechanical Screaming] [Mechanical Screaming Stopping and Starting Abruptly] [Machinery Powering up] Good. Please locate and press the button marked “Robot Repair.” Good. Step two: Locate half-inch More number 35 Pitch Bracket for Anflow Motor D and disengage it from the appropriate linear actuator unless its Electrostatic Ion Reactor is uncoupled from anodized multi-axis servo bracket 733E and only if Oxidization Valves A, C, F, and H1, but not H3 are asymmetric to Turbopump Exhaust Manifold K’s fillduct. Please take your time. Up to thirty seconds, at which point the Thermo Reactor currently uncoupled from its Heat Exchange Unit will detonate. Alert klaxon deployed. [Buzzer starts beeping] Again take your time. Fifteen seconds. Fifteen second klaxon deployed. [Buzzer starts beeping faster] Increased heart rate detected. Ocean Sounds Relaxation klaxon deployed. [Ocean and bird sounds start playing and buzzer stops] [Buzzer fades back in] [Large metallic screeching, boings, and thuds] Good. All responsibilities have been removed from your list of responsibilities. Core meltdown imminent. [Heavy Sparking and footsteps] [GLaDOS] I don’t believe it. What kind of robot can’t handle the simplest- Oh, it’s you. Congratulations on your quota filling promotion by the way. You’ve opened all our eyes to what humans can achieve when you put your tiny little minds to it. [Announcer] Repair Station Recycling Initiated. For your own safety, please vacate this station immediately. [GLaDOS] Don’t listen to him you’ll be fine. Also, let’s be honest. Your first day’s been a bit of a disaster. It’s probably not the worst thing if you died. [Whirring] [Announcer] Repair Station Recycling in progress. [GLaDOS] I want you to know, at first, I was against this Human Diversity Outreach Program. But now, watching you flail around like a sweaty pile of ham… I see I was wrong. It’s hilarious. Honestly I think your overqualified for Robot Repair. I’ve got a better assignment for you. [Announcer] Repair Station Recycling complete. Thank you for your participation. [GLaDOS] That’s a recording. He has to say that. [Panels whooshing into place] Goodbye. [Whirring as door opens] [Loud Smashing as Crushers activate]

Bernard Jenkins

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