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Wanda Sykes’ Idea To Fix D.C.: Bring Back The Duel


>>Stephen: WELCOME BACK,
EVERYBODY. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MY NEXT
GUEST HAS STARRED IN EVERYTHING “CURB YOUR ENTHUSIAM.” PLEASE WELCOME WANDA SYKES. ♪ ♪ ♪
( APPLAUSE )>>WOW! THEY’RE AWESOME. WELL, WANDA SYKES, LOVELY TO
HAVE YOU HERE.>>THANK YOU! NICE TO MEET YOU AGAIN. WE MET BRIEFLY AT THE “HAND IN
HAND” BENEFIT IN LOS ANGELES FOR THE HURRICANE VICTIMS.>>BUT YOU WERE WITH THE
BIG-WIGS. YOU WERE OVER THERE SUCKING IT
UP WITH BARBRA STREISAND YOU.>>Stephen: HAVE TO SUCK IT
UP WITH BABES.>>I WAS LIKE, “HEY, STEPHEN!”
>>Stephen: SHE NEEDS YOUR FULL ATTENTION. I WOULDN’T HAVE SAID HI TO YOU. I JUST WOULD HAVE BEEN, LIKE…>>Stephen: LISTEN, I KNOW
YOU’RE AN EAGLES FAN.>>YYES, YES.>>Stephen: CONGRATULATIONS. ( APPLAUSE )
>>THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU THANK YOU. I’M ALSO A SAINTS FAN. THAT’S MY MAIN TEAM, SAINTS. BUT I’M AN EAGLES FAN. SAINTS EYE MEAN, EAGLES, EAGLE
S.>>Stephen: YOU HAVE A PLACE
IN PHILADELPHIA, DON’T JEW YES.>>Stephen: ANYTHING TURNED
OVER IN YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD?>>NO, WE HAVE A LOT OF NICE,
OLDER WHITE PEOPLE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD.>>Stephen: THEY CAN TURN OW.>>THEY CAN TURN. IT’S THE YOUNG ONES YOU HAVE TO
LOOK OUT FOR.>>Stephen: THE LIPITOR, THEY
GO CRAZY.>>KEVIN WENT A LITTLE CRAZY.>>Stephen: KEVIN HART WENT
CRAZY.>>YEAH, YEAH.>>Stephen: HE TRIED TO GET UP
ON THE STAND WITH THE LOMBARDI TROPHY, AS IF HE PLAYED.>>HE PLAYED! I’M LIKE, “NO, I KNOW YOU DO
EVERYTHING, BUT, NO, YOU DIDN’T DO THAT.”>>Stephen: HE’S NOT QUITE BIG
ENOUGH TO CATCH THE BALL.>>I WAS LIKE, COME OMAN! JUMAGI, YOU’VE SEEN JUMAGI!>>Stephen: NUMBER ONE MOVIE.>>PHILLY HAS NEVER WON A SUPER
BOWL. HE’S A HUGE FAN, SO, YOU KNOW,
HE WENT NUTS. HEY, AT LEAST HE DIDN’T EAT
HORSE (BLEEP). YOU GOTTA GIVE HIM THAT.>>Stephen: THAT’S TRUE. THAT’S A NEW ONE.>>YOU GOTTA GIVE HIM THAT.>>Stephen: FOR THE PEOPLE WHO
DON’T KNOW, THERE IS FOOTAGE–>>PHILLIES FANS.>>Stephen: A PARTICULAR
PHILLIES FAN WHO HAS A (BLEEP) RIGHT NOW OF– OF BENDING OVER
AND EATING HORSE POOP BECAUSE THE CROWD WAS CHANTING FOR HIM
TO DO IT. THAT’S A PEOPLE PLEASER.>>YEAH, YEAH. HE IS NOT A LEADER, NO. HE IS NOT A LEADER. ( LAUGHTER )
>>Stephen: WELL, SPEAKING OF LEADERS, THREE OF THE EAGLES
PLAYERS HAVE ALREADY SAID THEY DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE WHITE
HOUSE.>>RIGHT.>>Stephen: FOR THE
TRADITIONAL INVITATION, WHERE THE PRESIDENT HAS THE TEAM DOWN
AND CONGRATULATES THEM AND EVERYTHING WITH THE LOMBARDI
TROPHY. IF YOU WERE ONE OF THOSE
PLAYERS, WOULD YOU GO DOWN TO THE WHITE HOUSE?>>HONESTLY, I WOULD GO. I WOULD. I WOULD GO, AND I WOULD SHOW UP
WITH MOVING BOXES AND A U-HAUL. I WOULD BE LIKE… ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
“LET’S GO!” “TIME TO GO!”
>>Stephen: NOT BAD. THAT’S NOT A BAD IDEA. WE– WE LIKE TO MAKE SOME JOKES
ABOUT THE PRESIDENT FROM TIME TO TIME AROUND HERE.>>REALLY?>>Stephen: JUST ONCE IN A
WHILE, ONCE NAY WHILE, WHEN IT’S APPROPRIATE. IT’S NOT ALWAYS APPROPRIATE. WHEN IT’S APPROPRIATE WE DO. I’M HARD-PRESSED– OKAY, THINK
OF SOMETHING POSITIVE ABOUT THE GUY. IS THERE ANYTHING– ANYTHING
POSITIVE. YOU DO SOME POLITICAL HUMOR. IS THERE ANYTHING POSITIVE THAT
COMES TO MIND WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT THE PRESIDENT? ( LAUGHTER ).>>BOY… YOU KNOW, THAT
MELANIA, SHE DOESN’T SEEM TOO BAD. ( LAUGHTER ).>>Stephen: YEAH, YEAH. YEAH.>>SHE DOESN’T SEEM TOO BAD. YEAH. BUT, YOU KNOW, WHAT I’VE
NOTICED, THEY NEVER WALK TOGETHER. YOU NOTICE THAT? LIKE, DID YOU SEE, LIKE,
YESTERDAY, I THINK, WHEN HE GOT OFF THE HELICOPTER —
>>Stephen: HE ALWAYS GOES FIRST.>>HE JUST TOOK OFF. BUT THAT TELLS A LOT YOU KNOW. IT SAYS THAT THAT’S THE GUY
WHO’S TRYING TO GET AHEAD OF HIS LIE, YEAH.>>Stephen: GET AHEAD OF HIS
LIE?>>GET AHEAD OF THE LIE. I HAVE FRIENDS LIKE, THAT MAN. WHEN I SEE– THEY PULL UP AND HE
GETS AHEAD OF HIS WIFE, I KNOW, OKAY, HERE COMES THE LIE. HE’S LIKE, “HEY, I WAS WITH YOU
LAST NIGHT, OKAY? IF IT COMES UP, I WAS WITH YOU
WATCHING THE GAME, ALL RIGHT?” ( APPLAUSE )
THAT’S STRAIGHT TO THE– “HEY, MAN, COME HERE, COME HERE.”>>Stephen: “WE WERE IN THE
SITUATION ROOM, HANDLING, YOU KNOW,…”>>EXACTLY, EXACTLY. THAT’S– HIS MOVE. HE’S, YOU KNOW– “IS THE PORN
STAR DEAD? IS THE PORN STAR DEAD YET?”
>>Stephen: THAT’S A LITTLE… THAT’S A LITTLE DARK. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
A LITTLE DARK. FUNNY BECAUSE IT’S TRUE, I
GUESS.>>YUP.>>Stephen: AS I SAID, YOU DO
SOME POLITICS IN YOUR– IN YOUR COMEDY. YOU DID THE CORRESPONDENTS’
DINNER A FEW YEARS BARK RIGHT?>>YEAH, THE FIRST ONE FOR
PRESIDENT OBAMA.>>Stephen: I’VE PLAYED THAT
ROOM. THAT’S A– THAT’S A STRANGE
ROOM.>>IT IS.>>Stephen: A STRANGE ROOM.>>TRIGHT.>>Stephen: PEOPLE ON THE DAIS
HAVE TO BE LAUGHING FOR THE PEOPLE IN THE ROOM TO LAUGH.>>THAT, YES, AND, ALSO, IT’S
JUST A SPECTRUM OF PEOPLE. YOU GET– HERE’S MADELEINE
ALBRIGHT AND IS THAT A KARDASHIAN? WHAT THE HELL? WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON IN
HERE!>>Stephen: IT’S A VERY FINE
LINE. BUT IF YOU– IF YOU–
( LAUGHTER ) IF YOU– IF YOU COULD CHANGE
SOMETHING ABOUT WASHINGTON, LIKE, WHAT– WHAT WOULD YOU
CHANGE ABOUT THE CITY?>>YOU KNOW, I RECENTLY SAW
“HAMILTON,” AND I WAS– AMAZING. I WAS INSPIRED. AND I BELIEVE THAT WE SHOULD
BRING BACK THE DUEL. ( LAUGHTER )
>>Stephen: OH, OKAY.>>I’M ALL FOR BRINGING BACK THE
DUEL. I MEAN, WOULDN’T YOU LOVE TO SEE
MAXINE WATERS SQUARE OFF WITH MITCH McCONNELL? ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>>Stephen: YEAH, I WOULD.>>BECAUSE SHE’S A SMALL TARGET,
TOO. SHE’S A SMALL TARGET. AND I BET YOU SHE HAS AN ITCHY
TRIGGER FINGER, BOY. I BET YOU. ( LAUGHTER )
OH, OH, OH, WE CAN’T DECIDE WHAT TO DO ABOUT THE DREAMERS? YOU DON’T WANT A PATH TO
CITIZENSHIP? DUEL! COME ON!>>Stephen: 10 PAITIONS AND
GONE.>>10 PACES AND GONE. DUEL! ( APPLAUSE )
BUT YOU KNOW WOMEN. WE WOULD TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE
DUEL SITUATION.>>Stephen: HOW.>>BECAUSE IT WOULD SPILL OVER,
YOU KNOW, INTO REAL LIFE, YOU KNOW. LIKE, A GUY COMES HOME, AND HIS
WIFE IS LIKE, “OH, YOU’RE DUELING BOB TOMORROW MORNING.” “WHAT, WHAT, WHAT THE HELL?”
“WELL, HE WAS TALKING TRASH ABOUT YOU, SO I TOLD HIM YOU
WOULD DUEL IT OUT WITH HIM.” “I’M NOT DOING THAT.” “OH, ALL RIGHT OKAY. HEY, SHIRL, YEAH, TELL BOB THAT
HENRY DOESN’T WANT TO DUEL. YEAH, TELL HIM I GUESS I DID
MARRY A LITTLE BITCH.” ( APPLAUSE )
SEE? SEE HOW THAT WORKS?>>Stephen: NOW, YOU GOT A NEW
SHOW HERE. YOU’RE THE EXECUTIVE PRODUCER,
AND HAVE COMPETED ON–>>YES.>>Stephen: A SHOW CALLED
“TALK SHOW THE GAME SHOW.”>>YES.>>Stephen: I DO NOT
UNDERSTAND HOW A TALK SHOW– WHAT’S A TALK SHOW GAME SHOW?>>TALK SHOAM THE GAME SHOW WOE
COMBINE A TALK SHOW WITH A GAME SHOW. THREE GUESTS COME OUT, AND THEY
HAVE AN INTERVIEW, AND WE JUDGE THAT INTERVIEW. YOU SCORE POINTS BY DOING THINGS
YOU NORMALLY DO ON A TALK SHOW, LIKE HOW I TOLD A JOKE AND THEY
LAUGHED. THAT WOULD GIVE ME POINTS. A LINE ABOUT MY AGE OR, YOU
KNOW, APPLAUSE BREAKS.>>Stephen: HOW OLD ARE YOU?>>35… ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THAT WOULD BE POINTS. DING, DING, DING, DING! THAT WOULD BE POINTS.>>Stephen: WELL, COULD YOU
SHOW ME HOW IT WORKS?>>SURE. I BROUGHT MY LEAD JUDGE CASEY. COME ON OUT HERE, CASEY.>>Stephen: THIS IS ONE OF THE
JUDGES?>>THIS IS OUR OFFICIAL JUDGE.>>Stephen: NICE TO MEET YOU.>>Stephen: I JUST ASK YOU ANY
QUESTION AND WE JUST GO.>>RIGHT.>>Stephen: SO, WELL, THIS
SOUNDS REALLY EXCITING. WHAT ELSE ARE YOU WORKING ON
THESE DAYS?>>WELL, FIRST, STEPHEN, I WANT
TO SAY THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR HAVING ME ON YOUR SHOW. I BROUGHT YOU A GIFT.>>GIFT TO HAWSE, TWO POINTS. APPLAUSE, TWO POINTS.>>I DIDN’T REALIZE HOW YOU WERE
SUCH A HANDSOME MAN.>>FLIRT WITH HOST, THREE
POINTS.>>GORGEOUS, SO GORGEOUS. YOU KNOW WHAT? HEY, HOW ABOUT BEING THE
GREATEST CITY IN THE WORLD RIGHT NOW, NEW YORK.>>MENTION CITY, APPLAUSE BREAK,
THREE POINTS. DRINK ALCOHOL ON STAGE THREE
POINTS.>>OH, BOY! THIS IS JUST AMAZING. SO I’VE BEEN VERY BUSY, STEPHEN. YOU KNOW I’M A GUEST STAR ON
“BLACKISH.”>>PLUG PROJECT TWO POINTS. NAME DROP TWO POINTS.>>I WAS NOMINATED FOR AN EMMY–
>>THREE POINTS.>>BUT WE DON’T WANT TO TALK
ABOUT THAT. AND I’M ALSO CONSULTING OVER AT
THE NEW ROSEANNE REBOOT–>>PLUG PROJECT TWO POINTS.>>ROSEANNE BAWR IS OVER THERE.>>NAME DROP, TWO POINTS.>>LAURIE METCALF, WHO IS
NOMINATED FOR AN OSCAR, HOW AMAZING IS THAT. SARA GILBERT.>>NAME DROP TWO POINTS. YOU ARE GETTING A YELLOW CARD
FOR EXCESSIVE NAME DROPPING. SPIT BREAK, FIVE POINTS. APPLAUSE BREAK, TWO POINTS. AND THAT IS TIME.>>THAT IS HOW YOU PLAY THE
GAME.>>Stephen: “TALK SHOW THE
GAME SHOW,” EVERYBODY. LOVELY TO MEET YOU. “TALK SHOW THE GAME SHOW” AIRS
THURSDAY NIGHTS ON truTV. WANDA SYKES, EVERYBODY. WE’LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH THOMAS
HADEN CHURCH.

Bernard Jenkins

73 Comments

  1. When I read duel, I thought she meant swords. That! would be great. Anyone in Congress against Trump! haha

  2. Build the wall then flush the piece of shit cornholebert down the toilet.

  3. Stop acting like assholes when you have absolutely nothing to offer anyoneโ€ฆand before you respond โ€ฆFuck you and good night!!!

  4. I am a over here crying laughing
    Points for excessive name dropping and project promos
    Wanda QuitCho shit ๐Ÿ˜‚ ๐Ÿ˜‚ ๐Ÿ˜‚
    My side hurtin That point man is on point ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚
    That was Fuckin Hilarious
    I am over here rolling ๐Ÿ˜‚
    The Talk show Game show is poppin ๐ŸŽฉ

  5. ya know, i clicked this cause i love wanda, but saw was on colbert and knew it would go that way and it did. I swear he should thank God trump was elected, what would he have to talk about? its like every show folks. i remember johnny, it was funny then.

  6. Some idiots would take that idea seriously. Hey, we brought back war and torture…

  7. Wanda is the best soooooooooooooo funny!!!โค๏ธโค๏ธโค๏ธโค๏ธโค๏ธโค๏ธโค๏ธ๐Ÿ˜Ž

  8. Funny lady but donโ€™t agree with her opinion s ๐Ÿคญ๐Ÿ˜ก๐Ÿ˜ก๐Ÿ˜ก

  9. How about brain bowls instead. We need the smartest people in office. Not dumb deginerates.

  10. I laughed soo much when she said moving boxes and a Uhaul! Somebody needs to do this now!

  11. Why does Wanda keep repeating everything she says multiple times? Is she ok? I liked her a lot in the new legends of old Christine. (Something like that)๐Ÿ–ค๐Ÿค—

  12. Haha Little did they know that the Kardashian-Wests would be advising the prez.

  13. The point system was a brilliant bit. Way to not laugh at all Colbert. Be drier, Stephen. Be drier.

  14. I LOVE WANDA SYKES …. she is an amazing comedian but an incredible woman too @@ waving to Wanda

  15. Wanda is hilarious, stephen looks uncomfortable at times when wanda shocks (guess its the pressure from network heads)

  16. She scares the boys eh. She's brutal. Take no prisoners, and make me laugh till I cry. God love her.๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜†๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜…๐Ÿ˜‚

  17. I dont like blackish…… This country doesn't need to put a bunch of racist on tv….. If whites did this they'd wanna have a march. I like Wanda but find it sad how she encourages racism for laughs and worse yet is the flunkies that actually find it funny.

  18. Trump couldn't duel for 'honour'…. he's had enough problems with 'inner'. Just the $140,000 to Stormy works out to a couple of million dollars per hour already.

  19. Does anyone else ever sense some low key racist behavior in this people? Even when you least exspect it.

  20. How dare you tell me I'm wasting time when you have blocked my medical treatment everywhere I went. My son doesnt know but I know how and why you are manipulating his situation

  21. Wanda may be to dark for some folks, But she's got a direct line to my funny bone

  22. (referring to what an eagle's fan did) I wouldn't call that a people pleaser. That's a moron thing.

  23. I generally agree with the man, but I'll tell you now Stephen that is most definitely NOT a people-pleaser. If he were really dedicated to the essence of what he was doing, he'd be eating that horse poop fresh from the butt, and he'd damn well do it with a smile. Admittedly it would be a shitty smile, but he'd damn well smile anyway!

  24. wanda sykes is one of the funniest comedians ive ever seen usually making all the hosts laugh but mr colbert can make anyone laugh, even wanda!

  25. I love Wanda but I don't think she needs to be talking about our President. I think entertainers should keep their opinions to their self. I was raised in a time where people especially our President was respected no matter of your opinion.

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